Wedding Etiquette for Kids (And Adults)
by Theresa Carpine6/16/2008 12:33:39 PM
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A wedding is a special day for two people to declare their love in front of their friends and family, and to celebrate that love with a big party. Sometimes, however, weddings can turn into an overwrought production about getting the right flowers or coming up with a workable catering budget, which can overshadow the joyous occasion, at least in the planning process.
Children also have a part in wedding planning, whether you’re thinking of having a ring bearer and flower girl in your bridal party or just the role that children will play at the reception. In anticipation of wedding season this summer, here are some etiquette tips regarding kids and weddings that should be heeded by both the Happy Couple and Parents.
Should children be included in the bridal party?
For the Happy Couple
Do you have a close relationship with the children and their parents? If so, including kids in the wedding party can be an honor and a fun memory to share. Remember to get parental approval before bringing the subject up to the kids, just in case Mom and Dad aren’t able to fulfill the obligations.
Do you plan on having a flower girl in your bridal party?If you’re only thinking about how adorable the kids will look a little tux or gown, remember that children can also be unpredictable. Especially on a stressful and emotional day like your wedding, consider eliminating the kid factor from the bridal party equation if you don’t deal well with the unexpected. You also shouldn't let relatives with children pressure you into including their kids in the ceremony; you can always say that rather than picking a specific niece or cousin to be in the wedding, you've decided not to have any children in the wedding party.
Many wedding consultants agree that a child in your wedding party should be at least four years old. In her book, Wedding Question & Answer Book, Wedding Expert Diane Warner includes the addendum that if they are younger than four years old, have them sit with an adult in one of the front pews after walking down the aisle so they are not a distraction during the ceremony.
Also, if you or your intended has children from a previous relationship, you might want to include them in the marriage ceremony itself to emphasis that this union is a joining of families as well as of individuals.
For the Parents
If your child is asked to participate in a wedding, remember that the couple is essentially asking you to be a part of the wedding party as well. Purchasing outfits for the kids, attending the rehearsal, posing for wedding photos—it can be a lot to ask of you and your small children. If you don’t feel particularly close to the couple, politely decline the offer by telling them that you don’t think your child is capable of handling the commitment. It’s also okay to decline if they have asked only one of your children to participate, and you don’t want the others to feel left out. When you accept the offer, make sure to explain clearly everything about the ceremony to the kids so they’ll know what to expect on the big day.
What should the Happy Couple consider when planning a wedding reception with kids?What to do about an "Adults Only" reception?
Happy Couple
It’s a valid choice to not invite children to the wedding and reception. It could be because of personal preference, or because of a tight budget for food and limited space. If you decide to go this route, SuperWeddings.com recommends including the phrase “Adults Only Reception” on the invitation, but don’t use a phrase such as “No Children.” It’s also easier to get away with not inviting children if you’re having a wedding and reception in the evening. And if you decide not to invite children, the only possible exceptions are for children in the wedding party; you’ll only offend other guests if you let certain people bring their kids. Be forewarned that some guests will inevitably bring their children, but don’t let it ruin your big day. You probably won’t even notice.
Parents
When invited to an “Adults Only” wedding and reception, don’t take it personally. Undoubtedly, you were not the only friend or relative who was told to leave the kids at home. Look at a kid-free reception as a way to have a special night out with your spouse while the kids are at home with a sitter. It is not acceptable to ask the bride or groom if it’s okay for you to bring your kids. You’ve already been told that it is not in your invitation and asking for an exception will only put your friends in an awkward position. If it is not possible for you to attend the wedding without your children, send your regrets and leave it at that. Better yet, invite the new couple to join your family for dinner sometime so you can still celebrate their marriage and let them know that there are no hard feelings.
If children are invited to the reception, there won’t be much to keep kids entertained while parents mingle and eat. In fact, kids might not be so crazy about eating the fancy catered food either. Bring plenty of snacks for the kids to eat, and even a PB&J sandwich or two if you have a feeling they won’t be anxious to try the braised lamb shank. Bring books, crayons and coloring books, and some quiet toys that they can play with during the party. You can also talk to the Happy Couple in advance to see if the reception location will have a playroom for kids; some couples even provide babysitting and special buffets just for kids, so be sure to ask.
Keep in mind that the wedding is the special day for the bride and groom. Friends and family of all ages should do their best to make sure it’s everything they hope for, with realistic expectations. The most important thing to remember is that the Happy Couple and their guests are still friends after all the hubbub. Don’t let planning details, big or small, affect your ability to come together and celebrate the occasion.
For more wedding etiquette tips for children and others, check out more books by Diane Warner or visit Ask Carley at The Knot.com.