Neighborhood-Kids All Local. All for Kids. All the Time.

Building Lifelong Relationships

by Jim Schmotzer5/9/2008 4:36:20 PM

Our two sons are now in their mid-twenties and settling into their adult lives. One lives in Bellingham and the other is over the mountains. They are becoming parents themselves. We find ourselves enjoying the new adventures of grandparenting. We even have a grandchild attending the same local elementary school that our boys attended as children. We are finding great joy in walking alongside our sons during this new life phase.

A strong and lasting relationship means laying the foundation when kids are young.

Even when they were children, one of our long-term parenting goals was to establish and enjoy healthy and lifelong relationships with our sons that would continue in their adulthood. If you desire to maintain strong family bonds over the long term, it is best to begin while the kids are young. Waiting until they grow up will be too late. Patterns will have been established and changing the course becomes much more difficult. With my wife’s help and her leadership in many ways, we have worked together to discover and practice life habits to build a healthy sense of family that will extend over the years.

Have realistic expectations - Determine a healthy place to live out adult-to-adult relationships. The old “Goldilocks” story may provide a good example. Smothering is “too much” and avoidance is “too little.” There is a balanced place in the middle that is as close to “just right” as we can hope for.

Model what you want with your parents - We have been far from perfect in this area, but have often commented that our kids are learning from watching. We have learned and grown through numerous seasons and situations with our parents, and hope that time has produced deepening appreciation and connection that will continue with our grown children.

Build love lived out in trust and respect - Love is more than time spent together. It is something that grows from and encourages all involved to live to the fullness of their potential. Again, balance becomes a key in building relationships that last.

Find shared interests – Identify your child’s unique passions when they are young and build opportunities to join them. Our youngest son loves sports. Baseball and football games provide frequent opportunities for conversation during travels to events and shared enthusiasm of sports. An evening at a Qwest Field means much more than watching a football game; life conversations and fun memories of laughter have taken place in our seats over the years. Our older son is more drawn to books and art. These bring moments for reflective conversations that frequently reveal deeper values and ideas.

Establish traditions - Thanksgiving is our holiday. It is the one we all look forward to and the one our sons make concerted efforts to be home for. We don’t need to beg or push, they love it. The holiday lasts the whole weekend and involves extended family and a variety of friends. The value of this day to our family was demonstrated last year when our youngest son chose the holiday to announce his engagement. Another tradition our sons and their families continue to enjoy is an annual camping trip in the San Juan Islands. Kids and friends are always invited and they join along as they are able.

Let them grow up – That’s a nice way of saying don’t smother them. Give time and space for other family and friends. As the parents of two sons, my wife and I have noticed frequently that it seems the new daughter-in-law’s family gets preference on some occasions. Everybody needs to remember that balance is the best. And remember that few young adults will want to spend all their social time with extended family. When there is a family gathering, don’t pressure them to be there because you want them there or make them feel obligated to stay for the whole event. You’d rather have them there for part of the time than not at all.

Include their friends – Inviting and including their friends in family activities and traditions helped us get to know our sons’ friends. Now their grown peers stop by our house during special times, knowing what will be going on and looking to reconnect; it’s fun for us to see and hear how the kids we watched our sons grow up with are doing.

The stuff of being family – We gave up on being the “perfect family” long ago. Our hope is to live to the fullness of whom and what we are. Over the years, we had encountered conflict, loss and disappointment. Being honest, talking things out and getting assistance when needed all help strengthen bonds. It’s true that crises can either make or break a family. The family that commits to endure and commits to support in the face of extreme stress has the hope of realizing strength that unites.

Be flexible – No matter what you plan or look forward to, things will shift. The ability to accept and adapt will be crucial in creating lasting family health. Relocation, health struggles, career crises and other life pressure points will bring opportunities for families to together find their depth of strength and go forward together.

Have fun – Fun is contagious. A family that is all formalities will have little draw over the long haul as kids grow up. Laughter is always a source of strength and connections. Stories of past foibles and the ability to laugh at ourselves can be soul medicine.

The bottom line is that the process of building life relationships with our kids begins at birth, if not before. With this in mind, each day becomes an opportunity to clarify hopes and act in ways that support your commitments.

A Note About the Author: Jim Schmotzer

Jim Schmotzer has been educating kids, adults, and college students for over 20 years. His hobbies include running, reading, and sharing his knowledge of Bellingham history with others. Jim and his wife Connie have two grown sons and three grandchildren.