Helping Kids Cope with Death
by Jim Schmotzer11/27/2009 2:48:14 PM
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We live in a society that often avoids, if not denies, death. But it is a fact of life for all of us, including children. Few may arrive at adulthood without experiencing the death of a close family member or friend; most of us do not. How can parents best help children prepare for and deal with the reality of death?
Introduce the realities of life and death to children carefully.• First, start at the beginning. Help your kids to learn from nature. The changing of the seasons and life cycles of animals can introduce teaching points about life and death. Children’s books, television shows, and movies are helpful starting points as well; Charlotte’s Web, a well-known children’s novel about life, death, and friendship on a farm, has been adapted into animated and live-action films. Create an open sense of conversation on a level that is age appropriate for the children involved, but don’t overdo it; they don’t need every detail.
• When death arrives for the first time in your family, access the level of impact for the child. The loss of a favorite relative will affect a child differently than the passing of a neighbor, who they might see often but aren’t deeply connected to.
• Let children participate in the normal processes of life and death. Let them attend hospital visits for those who are ill with you. Attending viewings, funerals, memorial services, and wakes all have their place, depending on family traditions and situations, in helping a child come to understand death and say goodbye to the departed.
• Familiarize yourself with the Five Stages of Grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). Your awareness of the grief cycle, as developed by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying, will allow you to help your child through the varied phases.
• Take advantage of the teachable moments. In a time of death, you can articulate family beliefs and values through your words and actions.
• Allow your kids to be kids. If they are immature in response to a death, remember that it is because they are children. What may seem like overreaction to an adult might be normal behavior for a child. At the same time, some kids will show little concern or interest in the process. This may be attributed to a lack of understanding, rather than a sign of uncaring.
• Encourage storytelling and memory sharing about the departed. Look at pictures and videos to revisit memories of holidays and vacations. Allow all the emotional responses that follow during your reflection; this will communicate to your children that it’s okay to both cry and laugh during a time of grief.
• Compensate for your grief process. As the death will most likely impact you as well, it may be important to identify a close friend or family member who has not been directly impacted by the death, such as a regular babysitter, a neighbor, or a grandparent from the other side of the family, to help the child through the trauma. In turn, be aware of ways you can provide support for nieces and nephews, cousins, and neighbor kids while their parents cope with a death.
• Get help where needed. Look for resources—books and movies again—that focus on helping children. Consult your child’s teacher for recommendations and resources. Seek out professional help when needed; clergy and counselors can be a great source of support in times of grief (refer to "Considering Family Counseling" for more guidance in this matter).
• Prepare for extreme situations. The death of a sibling, parent, or another person of critical closeness will likely entail a longer, more intense time of grief, reaction, and healing.
Death isn’t an easy reality for any of us. Children deserve special consideration and care when death visits. When well-supported children can avoid being overwhelmed, they can move toward growth and maturity in adulthood.